It has been one of those weeks. The kind of week where everything is hard and where this is all I want to do:
For many real and imaginary reasons, it has been a tough one and I am tired. A few of those pernicious monsters have popped up in my brain to say hello. A toxic combination of a few old classics – isolation, uncertainty, insecurity, and impending change to stir up the anxiety and depression. My muddled, incoherent brain is busy trying to sort it out, and has come up with this analogy.
The best way I can describe it is the concept of building a house (for which I have obviously no structural engineering or architectural expertise to describe accurately)…
I think I spend my life creating a little house – a space where I can be me, where I can be safe, warm, and happy. I have built the basic structure and over the past 28 years learned to build strong walls while leaving space for the sun to shine in. I have been learning what to fill it with (crafts, bicycles, music) and what to throw away.
But even with all these things, I know I can’t hold up the roof alone.
So I have built pillars – people in my life that provide support when the sky feels a bit too heavy. I have a few stalwart, robust pillars that have been there for a decade or more, who I know will be there no matter what and have seen me through years with heavy snowfall and lighter seasons.
And as I move and change, I keep trying to build new pillars – make new friends, build new relationships.The challenging is that when you build a new column, you don’t know if it is sound and if you can depend on it to carry some of the weight until the storm comes. You take a risk and add some load, which is when you learn if it is strong, or if it is merely a decorative column that buckles under the weight.
I also know that many other columns have crumbled away – bowed out under the weight of expectation or crumbled away from the decay of disrepair and disuse, while others are nothing but a pile of rubble. I will continue to mourn the loss of some of of the monolithic columns that I had in my life that are no longer, the ones that have gone and the ones that have faded away as we move, grow, and change.
I also know that on weeks like these, I crawl into my fishbowl nest and hope that the sky doesn’t fall, that the columns I have built will be there when I am struggling.
And tomorrow, I will keep on building.
He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must either be a beast or a god. – Aristotle, Politics